Molly Unknown

It has been 52 days now without any sign of Mollykitty. This has probably got to be one of the hardest experiences I have had to face. Pets are such an integral part of our lives, though we are human, they teach us beyond levels that are fully comprehensible. The Unknown is the darkness of loss, maybe hope, despair, and fear, anxiety and a range that as time goes on I can no longer label.  My heart feels like a raw wound that seems to not heal. Although I know I cannot change the past, I still run over the events of that morning thinking what else could i have done differently to prevent her from being lost or possibly taken. Eventhough, I know this will not bring her back, I suppose its a form of self deprivation for not being able to do more or control the situation. Trying to remember to center myself and breathe seems so far in the corners of my mind. Making sure that I am doing everything i possibly can to bring her back. This experience has pushed my boundaries on all levels. Having the courage and facing the fear of knocking from door to door and asking for information on her whereabouts. Calling out for her around the neighborhood continuously and by now still doing it though I am sure my neighbors are quite fed up with it. But when I think of Molly and how animals cannot speak for themselves, it motivates me to continue posting and praying and asking around. I have come to find through this exquisite pain is that there are others who have lost their pets and they too have experienced these tumultuous emotions and grief. I am seeing how there is community and I never knew it until I was forced to go out and search for Molly. I think about her little being and how special she has been in my life since I adopted her at 4 months old. I learned that she has her morning visits with nearby neighbors when they have their coffee. She sits in their garden and would bask until she heard me come home. How she has been my travelling companion and through the last 6 years been such a perfect example of unconditional love. No matter what we were going through, we had each other and would take walks together side by side. Learning to trust is the hardest thing I think. How do I trust something I cannot see especially when I am in such a state. Trusting the best rather than the worst. The first week I went out looking for dead carcases in fear of coyotes in the neighborhood or a car. The feeling of inadequacy about not being able to find her. What am I missing? Did I visit that house already? Sitting in meditation agitated and frustrated. Trying to open myself to see the greater good is difficult because of the protective instincts I feel for my pet. Taking a step back and being in awe at how even in this, she is still teaching me. There has been the struggle within to maintain my center and peace and freak out mode where I just want to scream. And the question still remains”where is Molly?” The Unknown. scavenging through all my mental tools to have clarity. I now look back and wonder how is it that I have made it through all these days. And yet another, and another. Being completely vulnerable at times because I just cannot hold it back and finding that there are others who understand. And everyday still working on trusting and creating that connection with myself has never seemed so difficult. And finding that I clearly have trust issues. Trusting that she will come back to me. Trusting that bond we have had over the years. Trusting that there are reasons for this that I do not yet understand. And I think,”Molly I miss you and waiting for you to come home!”



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