It has been 52 days now without any sign of Mollykitty. This has probably got to be one of the hardest experiences I have had to face. Pets are such an integral part of our lives, though we are human, they teach us beyond levels that are fully comprehensible. The Unknown is the darkness of loss, maybe hope, despair, and fear, anxiety and a range that as time goes on I can no longer label. My heart feels like a raw wound that seems to not heal. Although I know I cannot change the past, I still run over the events of that morning thinking what else could i have done differently to prevent her from being lost or possibly taken. Eventhough, I know this will not bring her back, I suppose its a form of self deprivation for not being able to do more or control the situation. Trying to remember to center myself and breathe seems so far in the corners of my mind. Making sure that I am doing everything i possibly can to bring her back. This experience has pushed my boundaries on all levels. Having the courage and facing the fear of knocking from door to door and asking for information on her whereabouts. Calling out for her around the neighborhood continuously and by now still doing it though I am sure my neighbors are quite fed up with it. But when I think of Molly and how animals cannot speak for themselves, it motivates me to continue posting and praying and asking around. I have come to find through this exquisite pain is that there are others who have lost their pets and they too have experienced these tumultuous emotions and grief. I am seeing how there is community and I never knew it until I was forced to go out and search for Molly. I think about her little being and how special she has been in my life since I adopted her at 4 months old. I learned that she has her morning visits with nearby neighbors when they have their coffee. She sits in their garden and would bask until she heard me come home. How she has been my travelling companion and through the last 6 years been such a perfect example of unconditional love. No matter what we were going through, we had each other and would take walks together side by side. Learning to trust is the hardest thing I think. How do I trust something I cannot see especially when I am in such a state. Trusting the best rather than the worst. The first week I went out looking for dead carcases in fear of coyotes in the neighborhood or a car. The feeling of inadequacy about not being able to find her. What am I missing? Did I visit that house already? Sitting in meditation agitated and frustrated. Trying to open myself to see the greater good is difficult because of the protective instincts I feel for my pet. Taking a step back and being in awe at how even in this, she is still teaching me. There has been the struggle within to maintain my center and peace and freak out mode where I just want to scream. And the question still remains”where is Molly?” The Unknown. scavenging through all my mental tools to have clarity. I now look back and wonder how is it that I have made it through all these days. And yet another, and another. Being completely vulnerable at times because I just cannot hold it back and finding that there are others who understand. And everyday still working on trusting and creating that connection with myself has never seemed so difficult. And finding that I clearly have trust issues. Trusting that she will come back to me. Trusting that bond we have had over the years. Trusting that there are reasons for this that I do not yet understand. And I think,”Molly I miss you and waiting for you to come home!”
A Transition into BEing
Note to Self: Honor Thyself
In each transition we go through there are breaking points and moments of clarity, we tend to recognize these moments more when we learn to accept “what is” at the moment and honor the Self with the acknowledgment that we are only human. But not “only human” from the standpoint of a lower form but we are human in the aspect that we came to this Earth to experience these range of emotions and transitions from a higher spiritual calling. With each emotion, even anger and sadness, see it as a blessing that you get to fully express through your human Self. See it as an aspect of beauty in which you get to experience no matter how painful it may feel or be, experience it. This is how we honor Thyself. By fully having our experience in it’s ranges of emotion, whatever they may be. Soon when we have our breakthrough or moment of clarity, we can see the bigger picture as a blessing and your spiritual eyes begin to open. We are here to experience our “human” life with all its “flaws”, hurts, angers, sadness, and disapointments; this is the spiritual experience of being on Earth. Honor Thyself.
published author of Flow Notes; A Collection
ReikiMaster, Pilates/Yoga Instructor
Blog Talk Show Host for Peace Of Mind Broadcast
I’m falling, moving towards the pavement so fast yet I have thoughts arising figuring how to land. I put my arm out to somehow stop my face from crashing down first. I can’t extend my left arm. I see bone through the skin and blood. Is my arm broken? The thought of time seeming forever yet gravity happens quickly. Finally hit down, right arm down, neck tightens, but soon my cheek is embedded into the pavement my left arm plops lifeless. I can’t move. A wave of painful madness comes. Breathing incoherently and sporadic. Panic sets in. so much pain. Madness of pain. Blood coming from somewhere. I could feel the wetness spread under my head. I feel my cheek starting to get wet. Its moving quickly. What is bleeding? A pool forms underneath my head. I see it passing my eye. I can’t breathe through my nose. Coughing in an attempt to breathe through my nose. I taste blood. I don’t want to choke. More Madness. Excruciating madness bound pain. Okay, let me think. My reflection. Panic. Okay focus on your breath. I understand why people black out now. The mind cannot handle the pain all at once. The madness is out of control, don’t think about it. if I let it, I will be mentally disfigured for the rest of my life. Fear of going into madness threatens my existence. Focus on your breath. Still irradict. I breathe in blood and cough. Ugh, it hurts so much. Focus on your breathe. I begin to have a breathing rythym out of my mouth. The only way that is clear. My vision blurs. Waves form in the blood from my breathing rythym. Tilt my head so I don’t choke. I don’t want to choke. My mouth, breathing through my mouth. I see the blood travelling down the pavement. People are gathering. I try to see. I lose my rythym. Focus on your breath. My vision blurs. I must stay on my breath. The pain dissipates with the breathing. the sound of my breathing regulating. The cement ton of madness lifts suddenly. I feel only the gravity of my body melted into the pavement. The pebbles of the road digging into my cheek.
Have you ever been told that you are “too sensitive” or ” overly sensitive”? Do you enjoy quiet spaces more often than not? Do you enjoy more “alone” time than your friends and family? It’s like a big sigh of relief when you finally get home.
More than likely you are an Empath. This is one of the many special gifts in the world and should be seen as that, rather than a burden or just even “overly sensitive”. You can sense things on a deeper level than most and there are advantages to this when we are able to embrace this gift and hone in on it’s advantages.
First of all, if you are an Empath, start seeing this from a different perspective everyday. Start thinking that you have this superhuman ability and embrace how special you are. Being empathic is not the same as overly sensitive. Emapthic means that you can literally feel the energy of the world around you at an acute level. If you are in nature you feel relaxed which means that you feel the vibration of that nature around you. If you are around others, more than likely you can feel those, depressions, anxieties, and doubts. But instead of understanding that those vibrations are from your surroundings, you take it as being your own and then get confused. This is why it feels so good to be in your own energy at home. For some Empaths, your ability reaches farther. On some days you may feel somber or a bit sad and not understand why. This is because sometimes, you are able to feel what is happening in different parts of the world, if it’s a major tragedy such as earth quake, tsunami’s, or something where there is mass devastation. It also makes sense and is something to understand since we are all connected on a spiritual level.
So how do we hone in and sharpen this ability? How will it benefit us? We can simply be more aware and ask questions. So the awareness comes in when you notice when you are out and about and your energy starts to change. When you start to feel overwhelmed with your surroundings, this is probably when your empath self is kicking in. To your Self, ask, “Who does this belong to?” Notice how you feel when you ask this to your Self. You will probably notice that nervousness, anxiety, or other emotion dissipate somewhat. If you are with a friend and notice your Self feeling a little distorted, you can feel into this and empathize with your friend and this is how you can hone in on your gift and use it to help. Not from an ego standpoint but from one of compassion because you can actually feel what it feels like and agree, “it sucks”. This gift can help you understand emotions on a deeper level and create more understanding for what is happening in the world. These things can motivate you to help change the world in a positive way. Rather than looking at this gift as a burden, you can start asking questions, step in or out of the emotions you feel, and ask how can you help? You are an empath for a reason, you may have the ability to change the things around you. You have the ability to feel what others are feeling so that you may have compassion or help them in some way. Now that you know these little steps this may help separate things between you and the world just a bit to give you some breathing room and time to decifer what is really happening.